Darren and I have been feeling the crunch and pinch of a couple with young children, and have been working on ways to keep our heads above the water. Since there's no way to accomplish my preferred remedy -- getting someone to keep our kids for a week or a day or JUST MORE THAN THREE HOURS AT A TIME -- we've talked about other ideas.
He found one book in the library about things couples can do to stay connected. Lots of good ideas, although halfway through I checked the author bio and, sure enough, she lives with her husband and her dog. No kids. So she blithely writes things like, "Choose a class for both of you to take," or "Make a firm commitment to go out once a week." Even the suggestion, "Take a walk in the evenings -- it's good exercise, too!" doesn't take into account that if your children are under twelve, you've got to have a babysitter for that, too. As far as I can tell, you've got to wait about twelve years into your marriage before you can take most of the marriage-building advice in these books.
Probably I should stop here and follow this particular author's favorite advice, which is Breathing. She loves Breathing. She suggests that you finish every meal by Breathing Deeply Three Times. Or that you call one another and simply listen to each other's Breathing. Darren would probably enjoy that: right now he listens to me field requests, settle disputes, and throw a few comments in his direction before he has to get off and get back to work.
This author doesn't think on our wavelength in general. She mentions renewing vows, and adds: "My fantasy: Reaffirming our vows to one another in the wilderness, with the dog as our witness."
I read this out loud to Darren, who remarked, "Huh. She's dyslexic."
-- SJ
Thursday, August 07, 2008
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Ha ha!
"Listening to each other breathing" makes me want to scream with laughter. Ha, ha! My mind has been on this general topic a lot though since moving out here. We have no babysitter and it's been rough...I need some ideas.
I don't know, I think listening to each other breathe is something we could afford. If it was ever quiet enough. But if it's ever that quiet, we fall asleep.
We used to "date" by renting a movie and watching it together or reading aloud to each other once the kids were firmly tucked in. Firmly being the operative term.
Have you ever read "Two Part Invention: The Story of A Marriage" by Madeleine L'Engle. It is the story of an actor and a writer and their marriage. One thing they did (which M and I swore we would do before we had kids and now don't but should) is that every day (I think it was before dinner) they had "their time." When the kids were babies, they would stick them in the playpen, and go in another room and have a drink and talk about the day together. They taught their children that they were not to interrupt their parents that time under any circumstances (well blood would be a good exception). They didn't take phone calls, they were just together. Sounds hard, huh? But it is also a good lesson in discipline for children. Learning some boundaries.
We now just try to make sure the kids are in bed about an hour before I pass out and have that time to watch a DVD, read together, talk or whatever....
But there are days I wish for a part-time nanny....
This = hilarious.
Parenting articles often have a similar problem: they assume only one child. Pregnancy books often assume no out-of-tum children.
Yes, I can relate, Sara, having four kids of my own. We had to wait until my eldest was 11 to be able to go out for 30 minutes at a time (of course, she was born "old", if you know what I mean, and we had complete confidence in her abilities; as did Jill, who employed her to watch her, then, 3 kids)
Your time will come...that sounds so "pat", but it's all the encouragement I can offer...and you KNOW how fast the years go by, so it won't be long! Enjoy those kids! (dontcha hate when people say that?!)
Rachelle said, "But there are days I wish for a part-time nanny...."
Me too. Mostly the days that end in "y."
The breathing thing might be a good idea if you were both over 80!
Dana and I often TALK about going outside to sitand relax together after the kids are asleep. The problem is that sleep sets in when you are "relaxing." Then we joke about how many houses away we can walk before it is considered neglect. Can we walk 2 houses away, then turn around and go past our house and walk two houses in the other direction? How about 3? Maybe if we jog, we can get around the whole block in under 10 min. Is that illegal? If we ride bike we can make it around in under 5 min. That has to be ok. -Wait... riding separate bikes around the block does not make for good together time. I guess we will just sit together and watch a show!!!
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