What We've Learned

1. Husband really will stop and ask for directions, including on the way to the hotel on the wedding night.

2. Wife likes mowing the lawn.

3. Husband enjoys grocery shopping and cooking.

4. Wife hangs up everything slightly crooked.

5. Husband is incredibly ticklish, so a line in a romantic song about "I can feel you breathing in my ear" conjures up not-romantic visions of yelps of, "Stop it! Stop it! Aaahhh!"

6. It is possible for some Husbands and Wives to go six years without a fight.

Married six years and still as happy as newlyweds!

-- DJ and SJ

Angels

Today is the feast day of Stuart Michael's patron, St. Michael. Depending on your tradition, it's either "St. Michael and All Angels" or "Ss. Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael." This isn't a big feast of the Church, but for some reason, I've really been looking forward to it this year. I had chosen several special songs to sing last Sunday in honor of the day, and I thought I'd post them (ignoring the fact that I lost my voice halfway through the service and had to skip "Christ, the Fair Glory." Blah!)

First of all, here's what I printed in the bulletin:

The Feast day of St. Michael and All Angels is this Friday, September 29. The readings today are from this feast day. There are two errors we can make regarding angels. The first is to deny their existence and importance. According to the Bible, angels are "ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation." (Hebrew 1:14) Each of us has an angel "as protector and shepherd leading him to life," popularly known as a guardian angel. (Matt. 18:10; St. Basil)

The second error, prevalent in America today, is to worship angels, or to focus on them to the exclusion of God. This too is wrong; St. Paul rebukes those who worship angels in Colossians 2:18, and the angels in Scripture never accept worship, calling themselves "fellow servants of Christ." (Revelation 22:9) The angels named in Scripture (Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael) are God’s servants, just as we are.

Today when we confess in the Nicene Creed our belief in God as the "Creator of heaven and earth, and of all that is, seen and unseen," thank God for sending His angels to help and protect us.

The processional hymn was Stuart's favorite song right now. It's sung to the tune of "All Creatures of our God and King."

Ye watchers and ye holy ones,

1. Ye watchers and ye holy ones,
Bright seraphs, cherubim and thrones,
Raise the glad strain, Alleluia!
Cry out, dominions, princedoms, powers,
Virtues, archangels, angels’ choirs:
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia!

2. O higher than the cherubim,
More glorious than the seraphim,
Lead their praises, Alleluia!
Thou bearer of th’eternal Word,
Most gracious, magnify the Lord.

3. Respond, ye souls in endless rest,
Ye patriarchs and prophets blest,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Ye holy twelve, ye martyrs strong,
All saints triumphant, raise the song.

4. O friends, in gladness let us sing,
Supernal anthems echoing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
To God the Father, God the Son,
And God the Spirit, Three in One.

And this is the song that I was going to sing for offertory. I think it's really cool. It was written by the same author as "Ye Watchers." If you're interested, you can listen to the tune on The Cyber Hymnal.

Christ, the fair glory of the holy angels,
Thou Who hast made us, Thou Who o’er us rulest,
Grant of Thy mercy unto us Thy servants
Steps up to Heaven.

Send Thy archangel, Michael, to our succor;
Peacemaker blessèd, may he banish from us
Striving and hatred, so that for the peaceful
All things may prosper.

Send Thy archangel, Gabriel, the mighty;
Herald of Heaven, may he from us mortals
Spurn the old serpent, watching o’er the temples
Where Thou art worshipped.

Send thy archangel, Raphael, the restorer
Of the misguided ways of men who wander,
Who at Thy bidding strengthens soul and body
With Thine anointing.

Father almighty, Son and Holy Spirit,
God ever blessèd, be Thou our Preserver;
Thine is the glory which the angels worship,
Veiling their faces.

--DJ
(Posted at 4:20 a.m. due to a baby who decided that sleeping wasn't really her thing tonight)

Just Wondering

A forwarded "warning" on an e-group recently included the following burst of indignation:

"... I will also add that my own sons were playing in the ball pit at Chuckee Cheese one day. One son lost his watch, and was very upset. We dug and dug in those balls, trying to find the watch. Instead, we found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss. ..."

So what "other stuff" would you not want to discuss? Body parts?

(Everyone who has email should be required to read and refer to Snopes.com before learning to use the "Foward" button.)

-- SJ

The Exorcism of Pearl

Growing up, it was my sister who liked things just-so and in order, while I was slapdash. Rosemary liked plaid because it was neat and orderly. I liked random floral prints. She liked her clothes to coordinate, and always wore colored socks to match. I wore denim because it "coordinated" with anything, and sometimes my socks didn't even match each other.

Then we got married, began cooking, and blew our tidy character sketches to pieces. I have to have a recipe to make a dish turn out well, while Rosemary can throw together the most unlikely ingredients and come up with a good meal. Evidently the same abberation holds true where child-training advice is concerned. I see it as a recipe to be followed, inflexibly, while Rosemary just takes this and that and doesn't seem to mind what she leaves behind. All this to illustrate why she enjoys the magazing No Greater Joy, and I can't get near the writings of Michael and Debi Pearl without breaking into a cold sweat.

The Pearls, for the uninitiated, are self-appointed child-training experts somewhere in Amish country in the midwest. Their approach is that of constant and rather strict (but not necessarily harsh) training, teaching your children to obey you exactly and immediately. You shouldn't have to raise your voice, you shouldn't have to repeat yourself, and you shouldn't have to explain yourself. You give the command, the child obeys, and the world goes 'round happily.

Furthermore, they insist their philosophy is taken straight from Scripture, so it's really the only Right way to do it. If you parent differently, you run the risk of not purging your children's consciences of the guilt of wrongdoing, and teaching them a wrong view of God. No pressure, though.

I realized, as I began this post, that I don't have any actual Pearl writings to refer to. I threw them away a long time ago. They were too oppressive, too demoralizing: I finally had to get rid of them entirely. So I went to their website, www.nogreaterjoy.org, to pull out a few excerpts to back up my complaints. After half an hour on the site, I wiped my clammy hands on my pants and surfed away. I did find two links for those interested in reading the Pearl's actual words; links are below.

The problem with the Pearl methodology... my problem, anyway... is that I don't parent like they do. I shout, for one thing. My kids aren't going to grow up saying with awe, "My mother never raised her voice, but guided us with gentle firmness." Heck, no. When Daphne was a week old, Addie and Stuart came tumbling through the living room and nearly fell on her bouncy seat. They didn't hear my first warning, so I shouted my second one. They cheerfully tumbled away. The baby, meanwhile, never flinched at the sound of my voice. She'd heard it before. Secondly, I'd rather err on the side of leniency. I'll deal with a child who -- for a random example -- flies down the hallway wailing, "My life is RUINED!" if that same child feels free to object when I issue a mistaken command: "But you said I could go outside after lunch." (And yes, we are already praying for grace for when Addie hits thirteen.)

It's not that their method is such a bad idea: setting aside times for training so a child knows what is expected of him. Instead of spanking, Darren has been "practicing" with Addie so that she will walk quietly down the hallway when sent to her room. It's worked well, although she still crawls as if it's taking the last ounce of her strength to get to her room. They emphasize that parents need to connect with the child's heart, not just insist on outward obedience. But according to the Pearls, I have to train like they do or my children will be self-willed, bratty, disruptive, and ultimately rebellious toward us and toward God.

The major area where I part ways with the Pearls is that I believe the Holy Spirit can work in the heart of a child who is too young to have "made a decision" for Christ. It's up to Darren and me and the Church (the Pearls don't think much of the Church) to teach them to recognize and respond to God. But as a poem posted above my computer reminds me, "I am not their hope, their joy, and their salvation." It's not my place to change their hearts, convict them of sin, and evoke repentance. The Pearls seem to put parents in the Holy Spirit's place for a child's early years, and it's far too heavy a burden for parents to bear. (Here I'm being a little unfair because I don't have any actual remarks of theirs to refer to; you'll have to read their material yourself, especially "To Train Up a Child," to get this flavor.)

As you can imagine, this sort of child-training advice works badly on the spirit of someone who reads it like a recipe. Others read it the same way, a futhermore believe the Pearls' obvious opinion that they know best. The Pearls are asked for, and dispense advice on, everything from birth control to diagnoses of autism. I look at the list of questions and ask, "Can't any of you figure this out for yourself? Must you know what the Pearls think before you decide yourself?" But they state their answers so confidently, and are so supremely disdainful of dissent, that I question myself and my parenting. Are my children really terrible and I don't realize it? Will they really turn out to be delinquents after all? Am I really a submissive wife, or is my equal status with Darren going to sow dishonor and grief in our children?

My sister doesn't seem to have these doubts when she reads Pearl, and her children are happy and obedient. However, since I don't have the force of personality to laugh off my concerns, I instead throw all the material away. I've also forsaken most parenting books entirely, and instead depend on advice from experienced mothers around me. The ghost of Pearl is fading as I see my children grow into little people I enjoy being with, as I grow to enjoy my motherhood, and as Darren and I enjoy our marriage more every year.

And even if I do shout sometimes, at least I laugh a lot now.

-- SJ

The softer side of the Pearls. If your child is not happy and relaxed, you're not training properly.

Question: Spanking a 7-month-old? This article includes some Pearlosophy that drives me mad.

The Exorcism of Ezzo

When I was pregnant with Addie, a well-meaning mom of six gave me "On Being Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. (You can always tell the writer's opinion of a gift when the giver is described as "well-meaning.") I'd heard of Ezzo, of course. He fit in well with my conditioned-to-obey background, and the mom praised him enthusiastically as her sanity-saver when she had her last three children. I read the book, and certainly agreed with his points. And since my child pretty much had to be a model of well-trained offspring, I assumed his method was good, too.

I had no idea that, with his method, came his ghost to haunt me.

I don't like to remember Addie's early months, seeing as they were a jumble of bewilderment, guilt, and a pride that didn't let me ask anyone for advice. But over all that time, the ghost of Ezzo hovered and wailed dire warnings and doom whenever I deviated from his philosophy. I honestly felt guilty for holding my child whenever I wanted to, and especially for picking her up when she was "crying herself to sleep." We won't even discuss feedings, and how inadequate I felt because I didn't try hard enough to put Addie on a schedule.

When Stuart arrived, I'd grown up a little bit. Despite the awful possibility that I would spoil my baby and wreck his sleep habits (and therefore our comfortable life) for years to come, I decided I'd pick him up and put him down whenever I felt like it. I should have been a much happier mother, but the ghost of Ezzo had followed me into my second round and was howling worse than ever. My only triumph was in the feeding arena. Stuart set his own schedule, and I even nursed him after his naps to help him wake up happily. He slept well and plumped out into one of the fattest babies in history. True, he was eight or nine months old before he cut out a night feeding, but we took care of that when we got tired of it, not when the ghost of Ezzo said we should. Ezzo could manage only a faint whimper of "just wait and see what he's like when he's two."

At ages one and two; two and three; three and four; four and five... Addie and Stuart are beautiful sleepers. That's when I realized that Ezzo doesn't know our children, and that a child's habits have a lot to do with who he is, not which method his parents use on him.

When Daphne was born, the ghost of Ezzo hardly had the heart to moan. I can't keep track of when she's "supposed" to eat, so I feed her when she says she's hungry. Sometimes she gives false information, but she finds comfort in feeding, so I don't consider it wasted effort. After we brought her home from the Lampe wedding, she was so jangled that she refused any arms except Mama's. I had to sleep with her all night, acting basically as a big pacifier. Ezzo whimpered, but Daphne and I slept well. We put her in her cradle at night, but if she cries, we pick her up. Sometimes if she's sleeping soundly, we still pick her up, because she's so marvelously cute. I have never enjoyed the new-baby stage like I have this time.

One night, Darren and I sat on our bed and chatted while Daphne, on a pillow in front of us, tossed her head around with her mouth open, confident that food was going to happen into it any moment. We waited until she got hungry enough to squawk, and then I picked her up. At the same time, I happened to glance at the clock.

"Oh, look," I said. "Exactly three hours this time."

And then we realized that we'd been watching the baby, not the clock. I think that was the moment that the ghost of Ezzo gave its final wail and dissipated. I haven't heard much from him since.

-- SJ

P.S. Some other time: The Exorcism of Pearl

Christian Unity

John 17:22-23
I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Ephesians 4:1-6
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call-- one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Ut Unum Sint (That They All May Be One), Pope John Paul the Great
Love gives rise to the desire for unity, even in those who have never been aware of the need for it. Love builds communion between individuals and between Communities. If we love one another, we strive to deepen our communion and make it perfect. Love is given to God as the perfect source of communion—the unity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit—that we may draw from that source the strength to build communion between individuals and Communities, or to re-establish it between Christians still divided. Love is the great undercurrent which gives life and adds vigour to the movement towards unity.

For the Unity of the Church, Book of Common Prayer (1979)
O God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Savior,
the Prince of Peace: Give us grace seriously to lay to heart the
great dangers we are in by our unhappy divisions; take away
all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us
from godly union and concord; that, as there is but one Body
and one Spirit, one hope of our calling, one Lord, one Faith,
one Baptism, one God and Father of us all, so we may be all
of one heart and of one soul, united in one holy bond of truth
and peace, of faith and charity, and may with one mind and
one mouth glorify thee; through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.

For the Church, Book of Common Prayer (1979)
Gracious Father, we pray for thy holy Catholic Church. Fill it
with all truth, in all truth with all peace. Where it is corrupt,
purify it; where it is in error, direct it; where in any thing it is
amiss, reform it. Where it is right, strengthen it; where it is in
want, provide for it; where it is divided, reunite it; for the sake
of Jesus Christ thy Son our Savior. Amen.

--DJ

Everybody Loves Raymond (if they've ever heard of him)

I have a “Dictionary of Saints” that I often use to put little blurbs in the church bulletin about feast days in the coming week. Last night, I was looking through it, and came across this entry:

"Blessed Raymond Lull, 1232-1316
Son of one of the military leaders who reconquered Majorca from the Muslims, he was born at Palma, Majorca, entered the service of King James I of Aragon, and in 1257 married Blanca Picany. Despite his marriage and two children, he led a dissolute life, but changed his lifestyle in 1263 when he had a vision of Christ while writing to a woman with whom he was having an affair, followed by five more visions. After two pilgrimages, he became a Franciscan tertiary, provided for his family, gave the rest of his wealth to the poor, and determined to devote the rest of his life to converting the Muslims. He spent the next nine years learning all he could of Muslim philosophy, religion, and culture, and learning Arabic. He founded a short-live missionary college in Majorca and went to Paris in 1286. After a serious illness, he went to Tunis in 1292, began preaching, but was almost immediately forcibly deported by the Moors. Appeals to Popes Boniface VIII and Clement V for aid in his mission were fruitless. After lecturing at Paris on Arabic metaphysics for a time, he was successful in getting to Barbary in 1306 but was again imprisoned and deported. He returned to Barbary in 1315. This time he was stoned and left for dead, but was rescued by Genoese sailors and died on board ship. He wrote more than 300 treatises (many in Arabic) on philosophy, music, navigation, law, astronomy, mathematics, and theology. He also wrote mystical poetry of the highest order and is considered the forerunner of Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross. His feast day is June 30."

Besides the fact that it’s just a very interesting life, I was struck by several things. He provided for his family before giving away all his wealth, which seems very sensible and Biblical to me. He spent years preparing for the mission field, and didn’t get there until he was 60 years old. Even then, he never got to stay very long. It made me wonder if he considered his life much of a success. It seemed like a very good example of the saying, “God does not require us to be successful, only that we be faithful.”

--DJ

Of Weddings

You know how you worry and fret over something, and then after it's all over with you look back and think, "Now why did I make such a big deal out of that?"

Well, I attended Dana's wedding last weekend, and I have to say, looking back... It was just as big a deal as I made it out to be and I'd probably fret just as much if I did it over again.

One day maybe Dana will get her own blog and post about her own life. Until then, I'll put down on record that she had a lovely wedding. It was liturgical -- the Anglican service, I believe; anyone who has seen A&E's Pride & Prejudice would recognize parts of it -- which means that there were wedding parts with a church service and communion sandwiched in between. It almost made me want to do my wedding over again (six years ago I had no notion of a traditional, set wedding service, although as it turns out Darren and I used those very wedding vows). Darren said we could do "something liturgical" for our tenth anniversary. Dana made a beautiful bride, Brooks was a dashing groom, and I made faces at them as they walked back down the aisle. I figured that if I couldn't be in the wedding itself, I could at least make sure Dana remembered I was there.

Of course I didn't get pictures. Who do you think I am?

Daphne attended as well, and conducted herself like a little lady. We left the two older kids home with Mam (my mother). Evidently Addie didn't care that Daddy and Mama left; but sometime after we were gone, Mom noticed Addie wandering around the house in search of something. All at once, Addie burst into tears and wailed, "I can't find Daphne anywhere!" When we got home, the first person Addie greeted was the baby.

***

I was reproached for not posting about another recent wedding, so for anyone who keeps up with my family via my blog, my older sister Lauren was married to Carroll Van Nort in a private (i.e. family) ceremony in July. I wasn't able to go, as I was great with child at the time, but from all reports, the ceremony was simple and pretty. I have every assurance that I'll see pictures someday.

-- SJ

More Pictures

(Scintillating headline composed by Darren. When I was in labor with Addie, Darren sent off an email to his family to let them know. He entitled it "Prayer request.")

Thanks to a visit from Rose F, who obligingly had her camera with her; and thanks to Leah G, who obligingly took some excellent pictures, we now have a few more Daphne Photos to delight the world (or the small portion of it that reads our blog, anyway).


Nobody can look quite so blank as a newborn, but as objectively as I try to look at her, she still looks beautiful.


Maybe it's just because she is beautiful...


And here are two old friends, busy populating the world with beautiful children.

-- SJ (and RF and LG)

Names of Note

Thoughtfully collected by my sister at a recent young-mom's meeting.

All boys:
Ryder
Easton
Hayes
Memphis

And a girl:
Charleston

-- SJ

Pictures

Thanks to our friends the Shaws, who gave us a camera to take to the hospital, and to Todd, the HLSDA graphic artist with a scanner, we have pictures!

--DJ



The new addition by herself



Mama and Baby Daphne



Daddy and Baby Daphne



The siblings greet their new little sister



A proud big brother



Mam and the newest grandchild