Song for the Irreverent Songbook 5

It Is Well

(to the tune of "It Is Well With my Soul")

When Pip, like a whirlwind, wreaks havoc all the day

When he spills goldfish where’er he goes!

When he stops up the sink, then he writes on the wall –

Then I say, it is well he’s so cute!

(Chorus)

It is well (it is well)

He’s so cute (he’s so cute)

It is well (it is well)

He's so cute.

And Lord haste the day

When Phillip isn't found

Spooling paper into the toilet bowl!

But his eyes are so blue

And his dimples so sweet --

We can't help but admit he's so cute!

(Chorus)

-- SJ

X = Win!

I usually assign Addie and Stuart their math sections, then let them work independently unless they need my help. Today, however, there was a section that I knew we'd need to do together. It looked pretty scary, but even though Darren was home because of the snow, I was confident I could walk them through it myself. It looked like this:

6 x 13 = (__ + 10) = (6 x __) + (6 x 10) = __ + 60 = 78

We got all the way to the second blank before I called, "Um, Sweetheart? Could you come in here a minute?"

So Darren took over the lesson, and the kids had a rip-roaring twenty minutes learning about the distributive property and algebraic equations. No, really, I'm serious -- Addie was engaged, and Stuart frankly enchanted. Darren finished the section with them, then at Stuart's request did some extra equations.

While I was working with Addie on something else, Stuart wrote out his own algebraic equation and asked me to solve it. It took me two false starts, but I'd watched Darren's lesson so I eventually figured out what to do.

In fact, for the first time I can remember, I understood what to do. Inspired, I printed out a basic algebra worksheet and proceeded to solve 24 problems. Correctly.

If the sight of 24 algebra problems never struck horror to your soul and brought tears to your eyes, then don't even try to understand why I'm celebrating today's triumph. But I suspect there are several readers who will rejoice with me.

I owe a lot of thanks to my fifth- through eighth-grade math teachers; I still know how to multiply, divide, and keep my signs straight. I owe a lot of thanks to my mom, who struggled with me through high school algebra despite its obvious futility. And to my late stepfather, may he rest in peace now that he no longer has to watch me cry over 5-x/4.

But I do wish I'd actually understood what the numbers were doing, all those years ago. I'm glad that we can take extra care that our kids understand them. And I have every hope that math is going to be a lot more enjoyable the second time through.

-- SJ

Happy Birthday Toast to a Lovely Woman

Sara asked me the other night what I remembered most about our ten-year anniversary last September. Now, Sara put an incredible effort into making a cool scavenger hunt around town that ended with a very romantic overnight at a local hotel. But as wonderful as that was, I told her that what I most remembered was just the joy of having spent ten years with her.

So I thought I'd offer a toast to my love, who has her birthday today. "To Sara, my best friend, my favorite writer; who in running the household puts the Proverbs 31 woman to shame; who in teaching the kids covers herself with glory; and who in the bedroom makes the Shulamite of the Song of Solomon look plain and tame."

I love you, my beautiful wife. Happy birthday!

Texting while Napping

Daphne climbed up on Darren's lap, and they both fell asleep in his chair. I left them there and went into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, I heard my cell phone bleedle its text alert, so hurried into the living room to get it before it woke up the sleepers. I glanced in their direction: they were both sleeping peacefully, Daphne curled up on Darren's shoulder.

I opened my text. It was from Darren:

"Help, I can't get up."

I looked over to find Darren's blue eyes open, cell phone concealed in his hand. He thinks he's pretty funny.

-- SJ

Technology of a Certain Age

I just finished a novel by an author I've read for years. However, I've read his humor columns; this novel is a new venture for him.

Of course it's a murder mystery. That's like the default genre these days. New novelists, especially, have to be very careful when they begin a project. You could be working along on a fantasy novel, and the next thing you know, a dead body turns up in the wizard's lair and it's up to your humble farm boy with hidden magical talents to find out who did it.

I don't like murder mysteries, but I felt I owed it to the author to try his book (it's the third in a series). About halfway through the book, I encountered what I think of as "stale technology": the book was written by an older author who, understandably, isn't exactly current with today's computerized world. The glitches were isty-bitsy, almost unnoticeable. Like snowflakes, really: one or two don't make much of a difference, but pile them up and it gets distracting.

For instance:

* The sheriff doesn't use a cell phone. Later in the book it's mentioned a couple of times -- only to remark that he has it turned off.

* He does use the phone in his office. His secretary answers it, then hands the receiver to him. Evidently they don't have a transfer button on their phone system.

* His computer on his desk hardly gets a mention. It's possible he's not very computer-savvy, but that warrants a special mention in today's world.

* His secretary can look up stuff on a computer, though. He has her find a phone number for him. She writes it down on a little piece of paper and brings it to him. Um, email, anybody?

* During an excursion into a swamp, one person brings takeout from her hotel cafe. She "pulls out a brown paper sack." That's what people used to do back in the seventies. These days we use plastic bags.

* The main character is a womanizer, to a very irritating degree. He's had affairs with at least two other characters, and is romancing two separate women during the current book. Oh, wait, I forgot the nurse. That's three. But he stays on good terms with the women even after the affairs are over. In fact, they all are still rather fond of him. This type of character is a staple even in current novels, but it doesn't seem that younger writers can so cheerfully pretend that there are no bad consequences.

* (Oh, and we're supposed to honor him for his devotion to his dead wife, since he's never found anyone who can replace her in his heart. Probably because he spends all his time pursuing women with something besides his heart.)

* When the FBI drops into a case he's working on, the agent is a woman. The fact that she's a woman is mentioned at least five times. He greets her with, "You're the prettiest agent I've ever seen." She replies, "Flattery will get you nowhere." Um, how about sexual harassment?

* In fact, the book's mild but persistent male chauvinism is breathtaking. My generation is obviously not its target audience.

Darren says I'm not anybody's target audience. But I did give the book a fair try. It wasn't awful, and there were some lines that made me laugh. But I'll just stick with his earlier stuff. At least there's an excuse for stale technology in those.

-- SJ

P.S. "The Huckleberry Murders" by Patrick F. McManus

Resolutions

Darren and I are bringing in the new year by trying to lose weight.

In other similarly shocking news, tides are going in and out and the sun rises in the east.

We really do mean it. We've found a babysitter who's willing to come every Monday evening -- cue "Hallelujah Chorus," dancing, and confetti -- so we can go to Anytime Fitness together. (There are other things we do together that we like better than exercising, but we do what we have to.) We hope to report good results in three months. Good thing you didn't schedule anything vital for then so you can be sure to catch the news, eh?

As for other resolutions, Darren resolved not to yell at the kids. I thought it was such a good idea that I borrowed it.

Originality is not my strong suit in 2011.

-- SJ

Two Books

1. Do you read Young Adult novels?
> If no, then “Why the heck not?”
> If yes, then go to 2

2. Have you read “The Hunger Games” trilogy by Suzanne Collins?
> If no, then “Why the heck not?!”
> If yes, then “Aren’t they amazing books?”

The answer is “yes.”

The premise: In some far-future world, there is a Capitol surrounded by twelve Districts. There used to be thirteen Districts, but about seventy years ago the Districts attempted to overthrow the Capitol and lost. The Capitol obliterated District 13. As for the rest of the Districts, they are punished every year when each District sends a girl and a boy, ages twelve to eighteen, as “tributes” to the Capitol’s Hunger Games. The twenty-four Tributes are released into an arena. The last one alive wins.

Grim world, you betcha. But, surprisingly, not bleak and grey. The author creates a world that has its bright spots – I was both entertained and repulsed by the glittery, pleasure-obsessed Capitol that welcomes the Games as the highlight of their year. (It’s no accident that the Capitol characters all have Roman-sounding names, given their thirst for gladiatorial sport.) The heroine, Katniss, is tough and hard, but still female and human. I cared about several characters, especially since you couldn’t trust the author to keep your favorite ones safe.

The trilogy begins in the arena, but ends when the Districts ignite in rebellion once again. What I most appreciated about the books is that the story clearly illustrated why people will risk losing everything they love – family, home, even their own sanity and life – so that the next generation can have liberty.

The writing is good, and the author brings the story to a satisfying, if not exactly happy, ending. It makes me happy to know that these books are hugely popular among teenagers, because it feeds the mind with all kinds of problems to chew on. Go read these books.

****
Mom has loved “The Ozark Trilogy” by Suzette Haden Elgin for years. I don’t know where she came across it; it’s not a book that comes up in conversation much. Darren found me a copy for Christmas, so I’ve just reread it.

The premise: In 2012, the Earth is so corrupt and polluted that a group of twelve families from the Ozark Mountains board a rocket ship and blast off to find a new planet. (I think it’s pretty funny that this is supposed to take place next year. The book was published in 1981, so written earlier than that, back when everybody knew that the world wouldn’t last much past 2000.) Some few thousand years later, they’re happily and prosperously settled on Planet Ozark. It’s a world run by a system of magic instead of science, so their primary mode of travel is flying Mules, and the nine Magicians of Rank schedule the weather and clear out disease as needed.

But seeing as this is a three-part story, not all is well. There’s trouble brewing because some of the Families have been pushing for independence from the Confederation, headed by Castle Brightwater. So Responsible of Brightwater visits each of the Castles in turn (each one named for an Ozark family, such as Wommack, Clark, and Airy) to find out who’s loyal and who’s been causing magical mishaps.

The story isn’t exactly one of betrayal and political intrigue; the setting and characters are too lighthearted. But it’s not a comic novel, either. Mostly it’s just fun visiting a planet named and populated by Mountain Folk. There’s even a class of magical women called Grannies, whose uniform is a long, high-necked dress, high buttoned boots, a bun, and spectacles whether they need them or not.

The names are entertaining, too: Responsible, Troublesome, Silverweb, Delldon Mallard Smith the 33rd, Michael Stepforth Guthrie.

It’s not a flawless book; the third part, especially, shows signs of being written quickly and edited lightly. It also perpetuates one of our Cultural Myths, that a virgin having her first sexual encounter has an easy and satisfying experience. Nobody in books ever seems to notice that kissing, etc., is actually very awkward and strange till you get used to it. (The sex scene is brief and easily dismissed.) I also don't share her blithe assumption that everyone is better off under a centralized government that takes care of all their needs. But in all, it’s fun read and a book that’s stayed with me ever since I first read it. So go read that one, too.

And then when you get back, maybe I’ll have gotten to another of the items on my list. What more could you hope for?

-- SJ

Just Checking In

I'm writing this from the comfort of my bed on my new ASUS netbook. A netbook, for the uninitiated, is a mini-laptop. It's much smaller and lighter, with limited hard drive space and no CD drives. I think it's going to suit my needs perfectly: an internet station in the kitchen, and a portable email station when I go out to work on writing projects. It's become irritating to work around three kids with 40 minutes each computer time every day. I'm a happy girl to have my netbook.

My homeschool roots keep showing, though: I keep calling it a lapbook.

I intend to write a real post soon. Stuart pointed out that they'd posted on their blog in 2011 already. Consider the following a batch of sticky-note reminders:

* Books: Hunger Games, Ozark Trilogy
* Resolutions: It is the New Year, after all
* Church: A followup to posts from a while ago (2009, I think)
* Counseling: Wouldn't $50 encourage you to consider it?

So that should give me some happy half-hours at my new internet station in the kitchen. Meanwhile, it's bedtime, so I'm ready some warm and loving cuddles. Netbooks do cuddle, right?

-- SJ