The Rent A Story Shop

In which I showcase my own work because I think it's pretty funny.

I wrote this over a year ago, maybe longer. I'd just read a Christian romance, and this was the only way I could fully express the powerful emotions it aroused.

***
The bell tinkled as an author pushed open the front door and walked into the shop. The proprietor looked up and smiled. “May I help you?”

The author didn’t answer immediately. The proprietor waited patiently. Obviously it was a first-timer, and they were always a little overwhelmed by the shop at first. Finally the author’s eyes stopped on the large, friendly-looking sign above the check-out station:

The NOVELty Shop
Your One-Stop Shop for People, Plots, and Places
B. Hackney, proprietor

“Can I help you find something?” the B. Hackney prompted gently.

As if shaking off a daze, the author said, “Um, yes. I’m writing a novel.”

Hackney nodded, still patient.

“And I need... well, pretty much everything. A friend recommended me, said you could set me up.”

“My pleasure!” Hackney exclaimed. “Now, let’s start with the setting. That dictates the rest of your choices, you understand. Can’t have a Southern belle in an ancient Persian palace, for instance.”

The young author’s eyes lit up. Hackney shook his head firmly. “No, no, I don’t at all encourage mixing-and-matching. Very rarely works. Best to stick with the package. Trust me, all our settings have been great successes.” He moved quickly across the floor to a large, ornate door. It was painted green, with gold lettering that said, “Settings and Backdrops.” Opening it, he ushered in the author.

It was an expansive room, with floor-to-ceiling rolls of tapestries. The author looked at the nearest tapestry: it was a green-and-gold forest scene, with a large castle just visible through the trees. A crowd of colorfully-dressed people made their way down a winding road to a village market in the distance, past a row of thatch-roof cottages.

“That’s our Mediaeval setting. Very, very popular.” Indeed, there were a few threadbare places visible here and there, especially around the castle, the tourney, and the romantic moonlit bower. “Is your novel a mediaeval one?”

“No,” said the author, regretfully turning her eyes away. “No, it’s a California mining town, circa. 1850.”

“Ah! A popular choice as well.” Hackney pulled down a roll and gave it a firm jerk. The tapestry spun off and settled on the floor, where the author studied it with a pleased smile. It was all there: the dusty air, the muddy streets, the ramshackle houses. Horses plodded along with fully-outfitted cowboys on their backs (most of the cowboys wearing red bandanas and a brown hat). Along the bare dirt Main Street were four wooden buildings: the Bank, the General Store, the Jail, and the Saloon and Brothel.

“I’m going to need a church in mine,” the author said.

“Certainly! That’s an add-in for only $1.49.” He fished in a plastic bucket and pulled out a white clapboard church with a steeple. “And a school too?” he added, holding up a red schoolhouse.

“N-no, just the church. Thanks. This is exactly what I need.”

“Great!” said Hackney. “I’ll have them wrap this up for you. Let’s move on... Characters, would you say?”

They stepped through the green door, and Hackney led the way to another door, this one painted yellow and marked, “Characters, Main and Supporting.”

This room was smaller, but brightly lit. It was full of round clothes racks. But hanging from the racks weren’t clothes, but full-size cardboard people. The racks were marked, “Heroines. Heroes. Best Friends. Master Villains. Minor Villains and Thugs. Assorted.” One rack proclaimed, “Clearance!” The rack was full of soft, plump, lacy Victorian heroines and comic-relief Negro mammies.

The author looked through the Heroine rack, taking her time with the decision. She finally narrowed it down to the tall, slender, red-haired one with flashing green eyes, or the tall, slender, golden-haired one with the alabaster complection. “Just so hard to decide!” she said. “But I think I’ll go with this one.” She lifted off the blond heroine. Hackney smiled and set it aside.

“Now to heroes,” he said.

This choice was easier: “I’d know him if I saw him on the street!” she exclaimed, thumbing through the choices. “And here he is, exactly.”

“Ah, the tall, broad-shouldered, hard-bodied working man, with blue eyes and dark hair,” Hackney noted, and propped the hero next to the heroine.

“Now for the villain,” the author said.

“We have several popular Master Villains in stock,” said Hackney. “Here’s the rude and shrewd one... No? Here’s the violently angry one... Not that one? How about this one, the polished and polite, sinister one? Yes, definitely a good choice. You’ll see that he comes with three free phrases: ‘My dear, you look lovely; Oh, my, what a temper you have!’ and ‘I do hate to have to make things messy!’”

“Perfect!” the author said in delight.

“And today we have a special. Buy one Master Villian and get a Minor Villain half-price.”

The offer was too good to resist. The author chose the dumb, dirty, and violent Minor Villain.

For the next hour, the author browsed the other racks. She finished with an impressive collection of supporting characters, including a Villain-Who-Reforms, an entire set of The Benevolent Family (“they take in my heroine when no one else will,”) a Loyal Friend, a Wise Friend, and a Uses Heroine For Greedy Schemes Villain.

“Excellent, excellent!” said Hackney. “I’ll have these wrapped up for you. Before we move on, please look through this bin of Motivations. Our customers often find helpful tidbits there.”

Finally, having ordered the Deeply Hurt and Iron Will cards for the Heroine, and the Sensitivity and Understanding cards for the Hero, the author was satisfied. Hackney smiled, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Do you have any pre-packaged scenes for my particular setting?”

“Oh, do we!” Hackney replied happily, and led the way out of the yellow door to a large shelf along the back of the main room. “Let’s see, 1850s mining town... Here you go. This entire section contains applicable scenes. You’ll see that your Motivation cards have a colored dot on them. The scenes are color-coded to reinforce our Motivations.

It was a happy half-hour for the author as she sifted through scenes to include in her novel. She chose a Childbirth scene, complete with flustered husband, serene wife, and pots of hot water. For the Hero and Heroine, she chose a Playful Run Through the Field (useful for breaking down the Iron Will, according to the scene’s specifications). She found several brothel scenes, and chose one with work-hardened harlots exchanging hard-edged dialogue during their off-hours.

“Just one more thing for now,” said the author. “My novel is a romance...”

“Say no more!” Hackney led the way to a pink-painted door marked “Romance and Erotica.” This room looked much like the Settings room, but was quite stuffy. The far back of the store was obscured by an opaque fug. “Light romance or...”

“Light,” the author said quickly.

Hackney walked up to a roll marked “Western” and pulled off a length of bright red. It steamed slightly in his hands.

“Um, it’s a Christian romance...”

“Right. We’ve got those.” Hackney re-wound the red and turned to another roll. He pulled off a shorter length of pink, which was merely warm to the touch. “How many do you need?”

“Well, none of them too long, but a lot of them throughout.”

“Great! I’ll have those wrapped up for you. Now, if this is a Christian romance, you’ll want to look through our Moral box and see if there’s anything that will help you. Self-Sacrificing Love is a very popular, as is Knowing God By Falling In Love.”

At last, laden down with packages, the author saw her purchases rung up. The price evidently pleased her: “This is so much more economical. I heard that J.K. Rowling had most of her stuff made up custom, and it was over the top expensive.”

“Yes. I always recommend going with the pre-fab, at least when you’re starting out,” Hackney agreed.

As the author turned to go, Hackney added, “If you need anything else, please come back! We’ve got a new shipment of Crisis and Catharsis Scenes coming in next week. Great for resolving relationship problems quickly.”

“Yes, thank you!”

“And remember,” Hackney added, “we have a special buyers’ program for sequels.”

The author’s eyes glowed as the possibilities crowded in. “I’ll be back,” she promised

***http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

As it turned out, even this story wasn't enough to relieve my feelings about the Christian romance genre. I wrote a sequel.

-- SJ