Proverbs 31 for Pregnant Women

wideyed suggested in a comment on the preveious post:
Somebody needs to rewrite the Proverbs 31 Woman....like the Prayer of Jabez except "The Proverbs 31 Woman: for Pregnant Mommies", or "The Proverbs 31 Woman: Students' Version". Then I could tailor the meaning of the Proverbs 31 woman's lifestyle to apply DIRECTLY to me!

I'm utterly dumbfounded that no one has marketed this idea yet. I immediately sat down to craft my own personally-applied version. Here's the original.

Who can find a virtuous pregnant woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The child of her husband doth safely rest in her, so that it shall have no distress.

She will eat only good and not evil all the days of her gestation.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh cunning baby clothes willingly with her hands.

She is like the merchants' ships; she is heavy-laden with treasure.

She riseth also while it is yet night, several times, to go to the bathroom; and giveth meat to her household while she just eateth saltines.

She considereth a crib, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she painteth a nursery.

She girdeth her loins with spandex panels, and strengtheneth her body for labor.

She perceiveth that her weight gain is good: she eateth not out at night.

She layeth her hands to the dishes, and her hands hold the spatula.

She stretcheth out her hand to the children; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy toddler.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for she is always hot.

She maketh herself coverings of generous proportions; her clothing is loose and non-binding.

Her husband is known in the gates, when others ask "knowest thou not what causeth that?"

She maketh chore lists, and posteth them; and bendeth not over if she can help it.

Strength and patience are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in the time between thirty-eight and forty-two weeks.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom for other women; and in her tongue are the stories of birth.

She looketh well to the ways of her household from the couch where she collapseth; and eateth not the bread after seven-thirty in the evening because of heartburn.

Her children arise up, and do not disturb her nap; her husband also, and he praiseth her:

"Many women have pregnant tummies, but thy cuteness excelleth them all."

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that hath precious babies, she shall be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her womb; and let her own children praise her in the gates.

-- SJ