Your Questions Answered

(Six of them, anyway)

Note: Extremely long post following, further transforming this otherwise eclectic blog into a one-stop-courtship-information site.

It used to be very important to me that people know that I Never Dated. That was before I realized that it’s not really that important to anybody else. I once tried explaining it to a Russian friend of mine, but she got it confused with courts of law and trials. Now the subject hardly comes up – it’s actually nice to fit in with normal society as much as possible – but I’m always interested in the discussion when it does.

In the comments section of the Part II post, Amanda obligingly asked lots of questions that I’m happy to answer. I love dispensing wisdom. Anyone else wanting to contribute is welcome to. Others of you had more parent-guided courtships and liked it just fine, and others had very good dating experiences. (And then there’s the sadly significant number of you who found that courtship didn’t deliver the promised happiness and light, and are still working through it.) The answers to these questions are based on my own impressions and opinions. I place great stock in my own impressions and opinions, but I’m willing to admit they might be limited.

Welcome to the blog, Amanda. Glad you've dropped in. Judging from your questions, you’ve encountered the typical Neo-Traditional Courtship crowd. That’s the perspective I come from. There’s all sorts of brands of courtship otherwise, although according to what I learned as I grew up, they’re all wrong.

1. What is the disinclination toward traditional "dating" even between Christian young people? The thing is, “courtship” and “dating” are small words that package a lot of specialized information. I’ll try to summarize what the courtship crowd hears when you use certain words. I agree with parts of these concepts, but an acquaintance with reality has softened, refined, and in some cases changed my views:

Dating: Relatively new phenomenon in history (new = bad); turns emotional and physical love into mere recreation; sets a pattern for divorce (if you have problems, you just “break up”); implies promises that you don’t keep. In light of the preceding, the logic goes, it’s safe to say that dating is unGodly, and that Christians especially should not engage in it.

Courtship: Traditional approach to marriage (old = good); allows both men and women to focus on God and what He has for them to do until it’s the right time for a relationship; allows a couple to get to know one another in a clearly-defined situation, so there’s no, “But I thought he was serious about me!”; keeps the girl safely under proper authority.

Authority: The Big Concept. If you don’t get this one, you don’t get courtship. A girl is under her father’s authority until she’s married, at which point she’s under her husband’s authority. The way we were taught it, it’s a daughter’s duty not only to obey her father, but to serve him and be guided by his convictions and preferences. (If he likes long hair, she wears her hair long. If he likes playing chess, she learns to play chess.) So naturally, her father plays a major role in the choice of a husband. If he doesn’t like the suitor...

If the girl goes against her father’s wishes, she takes herself out from under his authority and opens herself up to spiritual attacks and destruction. Not that this can be a fear tactic or anything.

2. Is there anything wrong with "heartache" in the learning/teaching process about love and potential marriage? It’s the ideal among the courtship crowd that a romance done right will preclude heartache. After all, courtship must guarantee that you can avoid all the catastrophes that result from dating. There have been many of my friends who look back on a disaster of a relationship and say, “But I don’t know why it happened like that. We did everything right.” One hardcore legalist, Jonathan Lindvall, claims that even courtship isn’t good enough because it doesn’t always “work”: young people occasionally still have to deal with failed relationships. He advocates “betrothal,” and that’s an entirely different world.

Also, in an even greater effort to avoid worldly sorrows, the really hardcore crowd has developed the idea that a single person (especially the girl) is to be not only physically pure, but “emotionally pure.” That means no crushes or attachments before marriage, even to a suitor. But since courtship is by definition a trial period, this idea forces the couple to subvert their attraction for each other until they’re safely engaged, which defeats the entire purpose of courtship. *Deep breath.* Not that I feel strongly on this subject.

3. Why do most parents take a much more active role as opposed to the way your folks did it, where they let you be adults and decide amongst yourselves? (I do understand the homeschool concept of girls living at home until marriage, but the courtship ritual, I would imagine, would be a perfect chance for the girl to "practice" (for lack of a better word) coming into her own as an adult and future wife in a household.)

See: Authority. Less frequently mentioned: control issues.

And you have to realize, our folks are practical, realistic, and -– no slight intended on anyone else’s parents -– five-star amazing. :)

4. Are there rules (either stated or unstated) about kissing/holding hands before marriage during courtship? There are rules about EVERYTHING.

5. In very traditional courtship scenarios, how much control do the parents have versus how much their son or daughter has over the various decisions? What I mean is, do the children decide for themselves if they do, indeed, want to court the other? What about marriage? Do the kids once again have the final say as to whether or not they feel that the other will be a suitable spouse? When you get to “very traditional courtship” you veer into the world of betrothal, which is a strange and unsettling world. Every situation varies. Generally if parents don’t let their children have the final say, those parents have control issues outside normal courtship boundaries.

6. Will the man once again ask the father's permission to marry the daughter as he asked permission to court her? I think so... Authority, after all. There was no father in my case, and it wasn’t like Mom didn’t warn me from the outset that Darren would ask me to marry him by the end of the year.

As I gradually realized, people have been falling in love and marrying for centuries before this new wave of regulated romance came through. It all depends on what your underlying motivation is. The rest is just decoration.

-– SJ

P.S. Darren said he wants to take a stab at these questions when he gets the chance. I'm pretty interested to know what he has to say, as it probably will prove useful in future parenting discussions. ("What do you mean, you 'prefer' Addie and Daphne wear only your favorite colors?!")