Noisy Obedience

This is sort of a companion post to Queen of Carrots' excellent post from a few days ago.

I think that parents who understand their children and take a balanced approach to obedience find it puzzling that we young moms would stand up and trumpet that we're not for "Instant Obedience." The philosophy I'm fighting against -- and that has eaten me up with guilt since I became a mother -- is the one that says: When I speak, my child obeys. No discussion, or argument, no whining. In fact, any discussion, argument, or whines counts as disobedience, and is to be punished as such. The child must learn that my (or Darren's) word is their command. The end, amen.

You know what? That's not the kind of parents we are. It's not the kind of parents we want to be. And we aren't interested in raising children who are so cheerfully obedient that they can't express disappointment, disagreement, or just plain irritation.

So, yes, we expect our children to obey us. Yes, there are consequences when they don't. But we almost always answer the question, "Why?" Even Pip's. Sometimes I cut off the conversation with, "Because I told you so," since "Why?" can be a marvelous delay technique. Sometimes we have them obey before we explain why. But I've always encouraged my children to question my decisions for the simple reason that I am not always right.

The result is that our interactions with our children are pretty noisy. Lots of wailing on their part, sometimes shouting on our part. Embarrassing displays of emotion in public places. Arguments in church. Much more disruptive than instant obedience, much less efficient, much less pleasant to listen to. So why do we keep doing it this way?

(What was that? You asked why?)

Here are two recent examples.

#1: The older child
Darren had said that Addi could watch 45 minutes of a Barbie movie, starting at 7:15. She got distracted, so didn’t actually start the movie till 7:28. She set the timer starting then.

At 7:45, he told Addi her time was up. She showed him the timer, which still had 30 minutes on it. He thought she’d forgotten to set the timer till right then, so being generous, he said she could watch fifteen more minutes.

Oh, the world collapsed around her. She wailed that she wasn’t going to watch ANY, that it wasn’t FAIR, and ran back to her room in roaring sobs.

About ten minutes later, Addi came back out, sniffling. In an admirably controlled voice, she told Darren that he’d taken away half her time. When he inquired, she explained the situation without flinging her arms up in the air or declaring that nobody ever listened to her so why even BOTHER? Finally he understood what had happened, and gave her the time back. She happily watched 30 more minutes, turned it off as soon as the timer beeped, and was a cheery little soul for the rest of the evening.

This is exactly what Darren and I have been working toward. We want obedient children, yes; but we also want children who can come to us and tell us when we’ve made a mistake, and ask for a reconsideration. Even if they argue and wail, it’s worth it if they learn how to calm down and approach us with an explanation. And it made me very happy to see that Addi expected justice from Darren, and he gave it to her.

#2: The younger child
Darren had just gotten home from work, and he and I were in our bedroom, seizing ten minutes to talk without interruption. But even though we'd left Pip with a snack at the table, the door opened and his little blond head appeared. I told him to close the door, that we'd be out in a bit.

He hesitated. I repeated, "Phillip, close the door." Suddenly there was a clunking noise, and then the door shut. I looked: he had tossed an empty bowl inside the room.

Ah ha! He wanted more to eat, and this was the only way he could communicate it. Obviously he could stand to wait a few minutes, but at least I knew what he wanted.

In the Instant Obedience circles I've encountered, a child who obeys despite his own wants or needs is lauded. But it leaves me cold to find out that a child obeyed my command while desperately wanting to tell me something.

Some parents can enforce quiet obedience while still allowing for quiet discussion. I've tried, but it goes against my natural bent. I become harsh and unjust. Instead, I like back-and-forth conversation, and I like knowing that my children have had a chance to present their side. Sometimes it gets noisy and frustrating, but I gave up on having a perfect family nearly as soon as I had my first child.

("When you were growing up, I bet if your mama told you to do something, you did it!" My mama did a superb job of raising me. My in-laws did a marvelous job of raising Darren. I think our approach is essentially the same as theirs, and neither my mother or my mother-in-law feels it necessary to point out the differences. Besides, Mom told me when I first got married, "You'll figure out your own way of doing things. And you'll do it differently from how your mother does it, and feel guilty about it.")

We're still relatively young parents and we're still figuring out things as we go. We listen to veteran parents with great respect. If you're shaking your head and saying, "I don't get your point. Obviously you work with your children and let them discuss things," then hurray! We agree! I'm interested in what you think!

But if you're thinking that no wonder I can't get control of my kids and that you've got some really good advice along the lines of "Shut up and do as I say"... then yay! Now you understand why I'm not listening to you!

-- SJ