Darren and I disagreed on this topic some time ago. I was thinking of it again recently and wondered what a wider opinion would be.
Sometime last year, I came across the account of how a couple met. She wrote about how she'd accomplished a lot of what she wanted to by the time she was in her early twenties, including establishing a sewing business. She realized that what she really wanted was to get married. Her family was part of a loose community of like-minded thinking, and they evidently gathered for conferences every year.
That summer, she arrived with a stack of business cards in hand. She passed them out to the women there, explaining, "I'm single and eligible. If you know any young men, give them my card."
It took several months, but eventually one of her cards landed in the hand of a young man who took her up on it. He called, and after due time (don't know how long) they entered into a courtship.
The story stopped there -- I don't know whether they went on to get married or not -- but Darren and I discussed the girl's technique at length. Here were our two sides:
Con: You'll Get What You Ask For
If you really want to get married, and you are really obvious about it... then you will get married. Probably to somebody else just wants to get married, too. It's only later that you'll appreciate the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. Some discreet inquiries are in line, sure, but handing out your name with the announcement that you had your dress and shoes and were just waiting for the man? Simply begging for disaster.
Pro: Way to Be Practical
Single young people are already looking for marriage material. This girl was just upfront about it. It's not the way it's done today, but has in the past -- why else were girls "launched" into society? She could be reasonably certain that her name would go out among people who believed the same way she did, so why not make sure it did?
So what's your take?
-- SJ
Sunday, December 05, 2010
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I have had a partially written post on marriage for some time. I recently read a book on marriage that reminded me that our reasons for marriage have evolved over time. In times past, your marriage may have been arranged for you to establish a political alliance or to ascertain a certain class standard, or forge a business relationship. You may have been married to a man who already had several wives. (Or even to a woman who had several husbands.) If marriage is just a practical relationship for procreation or business reasons, etc...then fine, hand out business cards.
Here's the trouble. The apostle Paul suggested we shouldn't marry UNLESS we burned which I would interpret to mean that being attracted to that person was a necessity. And in Western society, I would suggest we shouldn't marry unless we desire to be with that person (and vice versa) above all others. (Yes, the hard work of marriage may involve fidelity when that isn't the case, but at the outset...). Just marrying to marry seems to me to be neither wise, nor Christian.
Of course you knew I would have an opinion.
Every society needs a way for young people to advertise that they are available and interested without being horribly tacky. Unfortunately, we don't have any established ways anymore, which leaves us with getting lucky or being tacky.
I think it entirely depends upon the person. I believe that people could find excellent marriages that way. But for some people it would be disastrous. It's all about personality.
It would never work for me. I plan on living by a strict Elizabeth Bennett sort of code: (To Jane) "I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love will induce me into matrimony. So, I shall end an old maid, and teach your ten children to embroider cushions and play their instruments very ill."
:) Great line.
My gut says it's not a ladylike way to find a man. :) And thus runs the risk of catching a man who doesn't want a lady, which might be not-good if you want to be treated like one.
Perhaps, though, it's more honest than some traditional approaches. Likely, if she was that practical in her approach, she had in mind a specific set of criteria for eliminating undesirables too.
My approach was the MRS.--finding Mr. Right through higher ed. :D Prayer helped (mainly helped me recognize him when I saw him).
"Mr. Right Now": too funny!
I have had to deal with a 4yr old son who is very intent on securing a wife. So I formulated some way of explaining just when he will acquire a wife.
I started by asking him "Who made you?".
"God" he answers.
"Who saved you from your sin, who provides your food and clothes? If God has done all this, he'll give you the wife he has for you."
"When?"
"You know how we have Christmas presents for you, in the closet?" *nods*
"Well, they're there, just waiting for me to give them to you when it's the right time."
"God is going to give me my wife at Christmas!?!!"
So I didn't quite get it across there, but you get the point.
It wouldn't be the end of the world for a girl or guy to pass out their cards looking for a spouse... but at least go ahead and include a resume. Which makes me think of eharmony or something. A friend of mine met her husband that way... and now they are divorced because he beat her. Also, you lose the chance to observe the person without them knowing. Everyone is on their best behavior when they know they are being examined. I would not think it the most practical in the end.
I think the lady was definitely pretty forward, but in todays dating game you sometimes have to be. I know I do not ever want to enter the dating world, ever ever again. One, because that would mean hubs and I did not make it through (and, I'm partial to him.) And, two, there are some real wack-a-doos out there.
Now, I have to tell you about my sil. She is a beautiful and accomplished young woman. She was in a long term relationship for a few years with an Argentinian professional soccer player. He was delicious to look at, but otherwise not so great. My sil wanted to get married and have a family. She felt 30 approaching and was freaking out that neither of these were checked off her list yet. So, she pressured Sir Hunky and he, in turn, became Sir Jerk. She was always talking about leaving him if he hadn't proposed within x amount of time. Hubs and I tried to talk to her and calm her down...but, there is no talking to a woman who thinks her biological clock is ticking. So, then sil gets called up to serve with her reserve unit. While away in war, she takes a leap and ends things with Sir Hunky. My in-laws actually had to drive down to move all of her stuff out. And, then sil met another marriage minded soldier while away. And, they decide (after a cpl months of knowing each other) to get married. So, they come back to the states and get married. But, sil did not know a lot of things about her new man. For instance, she did not know that her new man was suffering from PTSD (which with the things he went through, I think anyone would have had it), that he had one hell of a temper, that he hails from an extremely dependent Dominican family, that he is very very traditional and would feel emasculated by how much money sil brought in, and that he had a tendency to be extremely cruel and belittling. She did not know these things, because she was so dead set about getting married and crossing things off of her list, that she just ignored even the mere hint of them. A year after their small wedding, she wanted to have a HUGE wedding for everyone to attend. They wanted to renew their vows in a Catholic church. And, even though they were already married, they still had to undergo the church counseling and tests. After which, the priest refused to re-marry them. He said they had no business being together in the first place. But, they put a band-aide on that and finally he agreed (as long as they agreed to keep seeing a marriage therapist for the minimum of two years.)They are still married. But, it has been a real struggle. He does not want children with her. He says that it's because she is not mature enough to handle them. This is heartbreaking to her. A few months ago, she did become pregnant and lost the baby and one of her fallopian tubes...her man was less than sympathetic. I'm not sure that they will make it. They appear to be doing better...but who knows. Once, when I was just sick to death of hearing her complain, but never really seem to do anything to make the situation better, I just point blank told her "This is what you asked for. Now, you have it. It's time to start accepting it and dealing with it." She just mumbled that she knew and yada yada yada. With sil, she wasn't just looking to get married and have kids. She was looking for a certain type. She wanted someone latino to help solidify her own heritage. Her mom is Mexican and her dad is Irish. So, she wanted to marry someone to help "breed the white out of her bloodline." She actually excluded any other race other than Latin ones. But, with a lot of Latin men, comes their very traditional Latin male-ness and expectations. So, after having said all of this, my point is that sometimes I think it might be better to just stumble upon the one you are supposed to be with. But, I wasn't ever looking for marriage...it found me. I don't know what kind of extremes I would go to, if I was still single.
Rachelle - Since this was a Mennonite/Amish-type culture, then marriage for this young woman WAS in a sense an economic step. She wasn't just looking for romance, but a household.
I don't know that I think attraction is a Biblical *necessity* -- at least, not when there are other, more pressing reasons to marry. In our society, though, there are rarely other pressing needs. And I much preferred marrying someone I was smitten with.
QoC - It would be nice if there were SOME way to advertise, wouldn't it?
Nelida - And, yes, your story aptly illustrates the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now, thanks very much. :) Although I imagine that the young woman in my story had a better eye for marriageable material than your sister-in-law did. Wow.
-- SJ
I guess this is a bit of an issue of conflicting viewpoints which all have some validity. Some random thoughts:
1. Would it be as weird if a guy was handing out his cards for the same purpose?
2. Has modern society really disconnected us so much that you can't meet someone in your local community and have to reach out to alternative methods like cards and the internet?
3. I can't help but feel that methods that don't involve knowing the person for quite a while have weaknesses. Knowing someone's family, what they were like when they were younger, etc., can all be of value. I think the farther you get away from that, the more chancy it gets.
4. There is definitely part of me that says "If the girl can't find anyone in her church, her community, her circle of friends, her work or school, then maybe she needs to be focusing on other things that finding a husband, like maybe broadening her horizons a bit.
5. On the other hand, arranged marriages used to work OK, and I don't believe in soul mates....so maybe I am just objecting to the cards as tacky.
I'm curious, Sara, how your and Darren's opinions differed? How does a guy perceive that level of forthrightness?
Does it attract a godly guy interested in building a godly home, or does it attract a loser who doesn't want to have to pursue a girl?
Catherine in Atlanta
Deige--I'm glad that your son thinks highly of marriage (way down the road of course)! That speaks well of your family. I hope he "finds a wife" at the right age. A lot of guys don't ever feel the need to marry. Way to go!
Catherine in Atlanta
Jmaestro: I suspect that I mostly just think it's tacky. But risky, too.
Good point about the guy doing it. I don't think it would have the same stigma, but probably carries MORE risk of attracting someone who simply wants to be married. I, personally, would look askance at a guy who was so undiscriminating as to send out a general call for females.
Catherine: Darren was Pro, I was Con. He thought it was a practical approach, although granted my point about getting somebody who just wants to be married.
-- Sara.
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