Wise Counsel

It's something of a shock when a couple you perceive as happily married admits that they've been seeing a marital counselor.

Not to be shocking or anything, but Darren and I have been seeing a marital counselor.

We decided several weeks ago to set up an appointment with a Christian counselor (who came highly recommended by another family in the church). Well, we sort of talked about it, anyway. It was when our pastor (a veteran of marital counseling himself) advised us to do so that we actually called up the clinic. But we didn't mention it to many people. It's an awkward sort of conversation. First you have to assure your listener that you aren't having serious marital problems, and then you have to justify why you even want to see a counselor if you don't have any serious marital problems. Easier not to bring it up.

It's true that Darren and I have an easy relationship. Even the counselor said we were one of the best-matched couples she'd ever met. But just one session with a trained listener showed us why we'd encountered so many communication impasses recently. We both avoid conflict and hate confrontation. Instead of facing difficult topics head-on, I vent about peripheral issues and Darren simply withdraws. We also fell into habits during our early, immature married days that we persist in even now. We always knew some things were a little off-kilter. It was helpful to have someone explain ways to correct them.

It wasn't as if we realized that our marriage was frail and needed salvaging: it was that we wanted to prevent our marriage from ever needing salvaging.

Our counselor was the unrelated third party we needed to help us figure things out. She's a great fan of "tools," and gave us several communication helps that are, in a word, hokey. No, really: one of them is a set script where you actually have to use "dialogue" as a verb. She said we'd feel silly using the tools, but that we should get familiar with them anyway. If there's one thing Darren and I both are, it's good students. We went home and practiced, ahem, dialoguing.

Know what? It worked. We handled uncomfortable topics calmly and thoroughly. We got things decided on. It's amazingly conducive to peace when you know that your spouse has really heard what you've said -- not only the, "It bothers me when this happens," but also, "I so very much appreciate it when you do this."

We went only a few times: once a month, with babysitter fees, pushed the limit for a couple with young children. Just those few times were extremely helpful in understanding each other -- and ourselves. So our recommendation is that if you know of a good, trusted counselor, consider a few sessions to improve and maintain your marriage. You don't have to tell anybody you're going.

-- SJ and DJ