The following post is blatantly narcissistic. Next time, as penance, I’ll do a post that doesn’t involve the singular personal pronoun.
I am Sara. Notice, four letters. Notice, no H. My dad chose my name and the spelling, and I fully embraced it. As a child, I insisted that my teachers spell it correctly. As a teen, I signed my name “Sarah” and slashed out the H. I was pretty adamant about that H.
Naturally, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that it’s just not that important for my name to be spelled correctly. It’s not like I looked at a Christmas card last week, saw my name spelled wrong, and said to Darren, “This is addressed to you and your other wife.”
Long ago, I formed theories about the two names. Sara, to me, is trim and modern. Clean lines and casual lifestyle. Sarah, on the other hand, is old-fashioned. Conservative tastes, formal dress, traditional views. Yes, I know, the division is artificial and inaccurate. But hey, this post is all about me and my ideas.
At the time, I lived my life conforming to a certain style of life and thinking. I wore dresses – not because I liked them, but because I believed it was my duty as a Christian female. I assumed my destiny involved marrying a staid, upright man and having many children. I knew I would guide said children to God with my loving but strict discipline. In church, I despised “praise songs” for their shallowness and modern tunes. I considered a drum set as valid grounds for leaving a church. I loved princesses, castles, and swords.
It was with real regret that I realized that, according to my own definition, I was more of a Sarah than a Sara.
That thought has persisted for years. Even though I wear pants nearly all the time, including to church. Even though I dance in church and like a well-played drum set during the praise songs. Even though I married a man with unexpected opinions and a good sense of fun. Even though I am satisfied with only four children, and rarely lay down the law without letting them have a say first.
(I still love princesses and castles and swords.)
What finally made me see the change was when our small congregation had to move out of its building because we couldn’t afford the rent. We put the pews in storage, cut out some of the extra formalities of the service, and gathered in a member’s home to have church there. And I liked the difference. The atmosphere is so much more comfortable and casual. The service is less rigid, without losing the beautiful structure of the liturgy.
It’s a surprise to me that I think this way. I didn’t know I felt like that. On the other hand, this realization came to a happy ending.
I don’t need that H after all. I am the person I really wanted to be all along.
I am Sara.
-- SJ (no, really?)
Sunday, December 11, 2011
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12 comments:
Hmmm. My sister Sarah, with the H, is majoring in robotics, plays video games, and hasn't worn a skirt in about a decade. And our pastor spells her name with an H, too. So it must be really telling to the name's actual aura that I still can totally relate to your distinction.
I have always loved both of the people you've been:) Great post!
You seem like a Sara to me.
--Kristen, NOT a Kristin, HEAVENS no, what do you TAKE me for?
I am now at the point in my life that I no longer care if people even pronounce my name correctly. (I learned at an early age that NO ONE but close family would ever spell it correctly.)
I will even occasionally answer to Linda.
That's funny, because I thought your name was Mama ;)
Even though this post is about you,(which is great, you should always take more time for you!) I completely understand. Firstly, MY name is pronounced N-e-e-n-a, NOT N-I-N-A. I just don't know, but the long 'i' pronunciation of my name is grating to me. It just sounds ugly. I always say that I didn’t graduate from high school, because the principal pronounced my name incorrectly. There also was a teacher that I taught with until about 4 years ago that insisted my name was Tina. I answered when she called me that for about the first 5 years I taught with her. Then I decided we had worked together long enough, and the least she could do was remember my name. So after that when she called me Tina, I would say something like, do you mean Tina or Nina? I honestly don’t think she learned my name before she retired.
Secondly, there is my daughter Mollie. I love the spelling with an ‘ie’. It just looks prettier than Molly. Maybe it’s that it is one letter longer. Maybe it is just fun to spell. Maybe it’s that I just wanted to be a little different. I just can’t explain it, but I am quite adamant that she is a Mollie, and not a Molly. I am sure she would be her same wonderful self with either name, but to me she is my Mollie!!
-Nina
I've blogged about my name being Leslie, NOT LEZLIE, before, and I totally understand the seriousness about our names. I TOTALLY understand this post, and I LOVE that you used to cross off the "h" to make a point! That makes so much sense to me!
Anyway, I love the thought you put into all of this - who you used to be and who you've morphed into. Still you, of course, just at a different angle, maybe.
This is one of my favorite posts of yours ever! Sooooo beautifully written!
Funny how we are about the spelling of our name. I remember people leaving the "H" off my name so much when I was growing up it got annoying. I'd give my name and say, "It's WITH an H" and then they'd look at me all confused and re-write my name like Sahra... (sigh)
I don't care anymore, but it used to bug me.
And what's this, Sarah is old-fashioned and Sara is slim and modern.. Hmm..... I don't know what to say, you're probably right. ;-)
Leslie, I remember your post about the right way to say your name. Ever since, I've made a point to think of you as LESSlie, not LEZZlie. :)
Sarah, you're one of the people I thought of when I was explaining the differences between the two names, and laughed at myself. You don't really fit my description of "Sarah." Although maybe your tastes run more to formal and old-fashioned than I think, I don't know.
By "trim and modern," I wasn't referring to my figure (which used to be skinny and now is round, but I don't much mind), but to the style of the name. For instance, I'm the type who will shiver through a whole day because I hate the encumbrance of sweaters and coats, and I wear slacks to church nearly every week.
-- SJ
And Liana and Sarah: I just don't GET "not caring" anymore. It simply doesn't compute.
-- SJ
Girls and names...Men don't quite get this do they? My husband could not quite understand why "Everlee" was not an option but that "Everlea" and "Everleigh" were beautiful brilliant names. :)
And SaraH, you have totally redeemed that spelling for me. :)
When are you gonna write another post, cause I love your style!
--Addi
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